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| 11:29am 13/07/2008 |
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I had a "birthday party" last night. I found out who my real friends were. It hurts to know the outcome. People I thought were my best friends... People I've entrusted for years... Didn't show. Didn't call. You know who you are...I'd hope. I just wanted to let you know that you're all dead to me.
I deserve better people in my life. I'm a good person that will bend over backwards and be there at the drop of a hat if someone I know has something going on. I guess people don't feel I deserve that kind of treatment in return.
There were a few people that came through for me and made my birthday fun. Thanks Tung, Thuy, My, Adam Labbe and company, Brandon and Ashley, Choad and Jen, Crystal and everyone else that actually did come to share a little birthday cheer. Thanks to everyone that at least sent me a myspace birthday wish. I don't even know some of y'all, but you're still better friends than people I thought were good friends.
I deleted a bunch of people from my phone. I quit my band. The 25th year of my life starts today. And for me that means cleaning out the old skeletons in my closet. Skeletons of people that I used to count on. It's about venturing out into the world yet again and forming new relationships with people. Better people. Most importantly its just about coming of age and moving on. Out with the old and in with the new. Happy birthday to me. |
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| 05:26pm 10/07/2008 |
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... so seriously no one wants to come to my birthday party?...
well don't all you guys just suck total ass. |
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| 09:05pm 08/07/2008 |
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i'm turning two dozen on sunday. woo.
saturday i'm having the official shawn malloy turns two dozen celebration. Interested? Reply, and I will send you details. Not interested? Then yer gay. |
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| 11:29am 25/05/2008 |
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My doggy Princess passed away today. I have had her for 8 years. There's nothing really much to say, except that I'll miss her.
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| 11:16pm 23/03/2008 |
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I don't live at home anymore. I brought up the fact that I've been socializing with my biological family to my Malloy family during an argument and they said some harsh things. i said some harsh things back. They felt like I was abandoning them and I felt like they were abandoning me. So I moved out. I actually thought I was being kicked out. This all happened at the end of January.
Over the past 2 months or so, I've been dealing. For awhile I stayed with Kristen at one of my new old aunts house with her, her husband, and my two toddleriffic cousins. During that time I found a three bed room apartment on E. Central st. off of Shrewsbury st. in Worcester. Things sucked between me and the rest of the Malloys but after a couple weeks, things leveled off, and nobody disowned anybody. Things are pretty good with both of my families now.
I recently had a housewarming/birthday party for Kristen. Not a lot of people showed up. The few that did didn't stay for very long. I got pissed off and Damien head butted a window that was already cracked. We ended up bleeding a lot. Kristen got frustrated because she couldn't calm my ass down, so she punched a couple other cracked windows. I calmed down as soon as I saw that she was bleeding worse than I was and needed to go to the hospital.
During my flip out I called my cousin and bitched her out I guess. For no reason. I was just being a drunk, angry asshole. I don't quite remember what I said. That caused a little rift between me and my real family. But that's over now too. We're good.
A couple weeks have gone by since all that bull shikaka. Currently I'm adjusting to living in my own place with my girlfriend. Learning how to pay bills and budget my moolah.
I quit Coordinates, because it felt like no one else in a band really cared about the 4 year old project beside me.
My social life is suffering a tad. I don't really have much faith in any of my friends. I guess it's something that's been for a long time. My goal is to make new friends or reconnect with old friends that I haven't spoken to in awhile. That's an ideal. It's not necessarily an expectation. If I'm too much of a bitter old crab to actually make new connections or rekindle the old, then I guess I'm ok. I still have my families and my wonderful girlfriend that I couldn't shake off the side of my leg even if I had flesh eating bacteria. Hahaha. I only wrote that last part because she's sitting right here watching me write this out.
Thats all for me. |
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| 10:42pm 23/01/2008 |
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Shit's gone down recently.
I've been reunited with my biological family. It's been almost 20 years in fact.
It all started at work when I openly discussed where I came from with my co workers. I mentioned my sister My To during the conversation. It just so happened that everyone I work with knows her and sees her all the time. Strangely enough, my co worker Hau Nguyen's uncle is my mother's boyfriend. He sees my mother all the time. I didn't really know how to approach the situation. I didn't know whether to start with my sister, and write her a letter to be passed on by our mutual friends, or if I should have myspaced her. Or maybe I should have just visited my mother while she was at Hau's house.
I opted to just subtly friend request my sister on myspace. She denied me. So I needed to figure out plan B. During this time Hau nonchalantly mentioned me to his mom, and his mom got on the horn with my mom with the quickness. A couple hours later I was reunited with my little sister My, my older brother Binh, and my cousin Tung. A few days later I was reintroduced to my mother. All she could do upon seeing me was hold on to me while crying, "my son!... my son!" It was pretty surreal. Minutes after meeting my mom, and a few of my aunts, all sorts of aunts, uncles, cousins, pets, and in-laws started piling through the door. Apparently I have one of the biggest families in the Worcester area. We roll deep.
A couple weeks passed and my fam set up a huge welcome home party for me. It was a lot of fun. They all pitched in and bought me a mall gift card with a ton of money on it. I ate a pepper that was so spicy I cried. Kevin came down and we jammed out a few Shotgun songs for my family and my mom's close friends/bandmates. I got to see a little inner family drama. I guess they were worried that it was going to judge them for it. But I don't judge.
The next day I visited my father. Very awkward. He's still kind of a jackass, and he fights with my brother all the time. Him and mom aren't on very good terms either. He has a new family now. I have a step mom and a 12 year old half sister. They're two very quiet people. As far as my dad goes, you can tell that there's something very off about him. He's not a very popular guy either. Despite the negatives, and the deeply imprinted negative image I have of him from my childhood, I'm gonna give him a chance to be a father. So far he's doing a good job. He's already given me a brand new laptop which was shipped in by his sister in Florida. Just material bullshit. Very useful material bullshit. But its the thought that counts. He's showing he cares.
The care is the important part. I didn't realize that I had a family out there that still cared about me, and thought about me, and talked about me, and cried for me every day. I've lived with a lot of lies, and exaggerations presented by my current family. I was under the impression this whole time that my real family wanted me dead which is so far from reality, that I look back at the things that I believed and I laugh a little bit.
I've grown up with so much useless hate and resentment. I blame it all on my current family. I understand why they took me in and took care of me. But they didn't have to say things to breed me into a hate filled monster.
I'm not gonna go into how I feel about my current family, because I'm just gonna go on an endless rant that no one needs to hear about.
Since the reunion I've spent a lot of time with them. We've been slowly catching up. I've missed a lot in 20 years.
Kristen's been there throughout this whole overwhelming process. I really appreciate her being the token white chick throughout all of this. Thanks babe.
What have I learned? I've learned that my real family is huge. And that they still love me. I've learned that I'm really clumsy with chopsticks. I've learned that my musical talent is genetic. Everyone on my mom's side of the family sings. My mother is regarded as one of, if not the best female vocalist for traditional Vietnamese music in the community. The biggest lesson I've learned is that ASIANS LOVE HEINEKEN!
It's been a crazy ride.
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| 11:58pm 07/11/2007 |
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I just saw Jimmy Eat World in Boston. Awesome show. Kristen cried on some songs. :) It kinda made me sad that most of the people that went to the show were there to see The Middle, and that's it. Looking around I didn't see that many people up in our section who knew the songs like I did. I pretty much belted out the lyrics to every song, but it felt pretty lonely up there. Maybe all the real JEW fans got the good seats and I'm just a cheap JEW bastard.
Here's the setlist if y'alls interested:
<lj-cut>
Set:
Big Casino
A Praise Chorus
Crush
Work
Always Be
Blister
Goodbye Sky Harbor
Carry You
For Me, This Is Heaven
Disintegration
Get It Faster
Let It Happen
23
Kill
Bleed American
Pain
Encore:
Your House (alt.)
Hear You Me
Polaris
Sweetness
The Middle
If you tally em up. There's 4 songs from Chase, 5 from Futures, 4 from Clarity, 0 from Static, 1 from the SOMST EP, but there's 7 from Bleed American! I guess they have to play it up to the moderate fans. :Rolleyes: Would have loved to see Futures, Just Tonight, Ten, Table For Glasses, and World You Loved. I should probably give up on ever seeing those songs live.
My highlight was 23 and Kill back to back. My two favoritest songs by them. I actually got pretty bent out of shape when they went into Sweetness. I kinda felt like the show was wrapping up and I totally wanted them to play about 2 hours longer than they did. I'm not complaining though. 5 star show through and through. |
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| 05:58pm 27/10/2007 |
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I'm so content that I don't know what to do with myself.
My interest in doing standup has been waning over the past few months. When my CD recording show turned out to be a disaster I think it completely killed off my desire to try at comedy anymore. I guess I got good at giving up. I only have one gig coming up and that's at Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston? on Nov. 11. It's an All Asian Comedy show. Lots of jokes about bad drivers and small cocks.
My interest in rocking has resurfaced but I'm kinda getting discouraged again. I want Coordinates to practice again, but no one cares about it. I mention it all the time to everyone but no one takes initiative. Three out of the five of us have access to jamming facilities but none of them are ever like, "we're gonna use this jamspace tonight to practice with CC." No. Not at all. Everyone else has moved on to different projects. Well. At least 2 of us. Not me.
I mean Shotgun was supposed to be picking up speed again, but the wind is gone from those sails yet again. We had an awesome guitarist for about 3 weeks who put a great spin on our songs. But he just quit because he didn't have time to be in a third band and work full time, which kinda pissed me off.
This is exactly why I quit music the last time. I get so frustrated and tired of waiting on other people.
I wanna be in an awesome band again. Not 8 awesome bands. That sucked. But one or 2 would suffice.
Other than my interests failing me, I'm getting a little fearful of what I'm becoming. I'm starting to settle down. It's scary. I'm 23 now, with a decent job. Nothing outstanding. But it pays my never ending car repairs for my piece of shit on wheels, finances my guitar shit, and gives me enough spending cash to buy beer, wings, and pretty things for my girl. Speaking of which, my relationship with her is outstanding. Which all in all is great, but is also the root of my transformation. Most nights we opt not to go out and party. Instead we stay home, relax and watch movies. It's the kind of life I've been yearning for, yet it's killing most of my ambition for rock stardom, and fame.
I love the way I live now, but its filling me with anxiety. I'm afraid of failure, and in my mind, and quite possibly my mind alone, not making it huge would be the most ultimate failure of my life.
I could easily get married and start pumping out babies with Kristen in a few years which would be a happily ever after situation but when I do it would be like I gave up on myself or at least the image of myself that I've bred myself upon.
All I know is that I'm not giving up on either. My passion for fame and fortune I'm going to hold on to because that's who I am and have always been. And Kristen is quite possibly the best thing to ever come my way. So how could one sacrafice one for the other when one could one day potentially have it all? Maybe I'm thinking unrealistically, but I've never been someone who's set my goals to the most easily achievable.
I lose my passion. I fail.
I lose Kristen. I fail.
It's all about balance. Maybe if I don't get a huge record deal and have my face plastered on Rolling Stone, or Kristen and i create some hermaphrodite midget retard babies while living in Great Brook Valley. As long as I can have a life that allows me to go out and rock but then come home to hot naked wife pulling a big ass ham out the oven, then I'm winning.
The one thing that I've really leveled up on in my life is my drinking habits. I only drink hard alcohol on a special occasion. Now, I only really drink classy beers. In this day in the year 2007 you couldn't get me to even look at a Miller Highlife or a Steel Reserve. I don't drink beers to get drunk at all anymore. I drink for the flavor and for the experience, and to get a deeper connection and understanding for the craft of brewing beer. My favorite beers now are beers like Unibroue's Les Trois Pistoles, Stone's Ruination IPA, Brouwerij Van Steenberge's Piraat Ale, or Smuttynose's Robust Porter. That's where I'm at right now. I taste beers, and write reviews on them on ratebeer.com. I started out as a Bud funneling party machine in my late teen years. When I turned 21 I began sampling beers that I never knew existed because I was never able to shop at liquor stores. I got really into Sam Adams, Saranac, and Killian's and started realizing that Bud, Miller, and Coors were the evil empire of corporate marketing and all of their mainstream products are nothing more then polluted water with a recognizable label, and funny commercials. But my standards are getting even higher, and my tastes are getting more expensive. I'll go to a liquor store and pay 15 bucks on a six pack of Imperial stouts or Belgian strong ales, and get as drunk off of them as if I were to chug 20 Budweisers. Most of the shit I drink now is up around 10% alcohol. Most mainstream beers are around 3-4%. The best part is that I don't feel like shit when I drink good beer. I get a good buzz. I get into a good mood. When I drink cheap bullshit beer I either puke, or get really mean and angry. I get annoyed when I see people drinking Bud, or Coors. I ask, "how can you drink that and pretend to enjoy it when there's so much good shit out there?" The sad part is, is that some people do actually enjoy the taste of that swill and will shun and writhe when they take a sip of something good. I tend to not associate myself with such folk. I'm becoming an uber beer snob to the point where I really don't even hang out with a lot of people that can't appreciate classy beers. That was actually more of a realization than it was a choice. People I talk to regularly are all people who understand and appreciate true brewing. I believe that my life is enriched by beer and the people that drink it with me. Now all I have to do is figure out a way to work out all of these carbs I've been consuming. |
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| 08:21pm 04/09/2007 |
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Kristen's moving in with me. I bought a new amp. It's a Peavey 6505. I'm financing it. It costs $2069. Might take me a year to pay it off. I get paid bi-weekly. It's gay. All Out War was great on Saturday. I want to lose weight but I'm afraid. I just like eating so much. Food is so good. I've been listening to the new Eisley CD a lot. It is good. My car is still a piece of shit. But it hasn't broke down on me this week yet, so I'm hopeful that I won't have to make anymore repairs any time soon. My life is fairly decent. I have no real complaints. I only stress over tiny incidents, like people who cut me off on the road or people who won't let me in on the highway in 5 o clock traffic. Those are the people I have issues with now. I hope every person who didn't let me merge recently gets dysentery. And I hope their kids get leukemia. I'm addicted to Pasta Roni. Update ajourned. |
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| 10:31pm 20/08/2007 |
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So Kristen and I are doing it right... It's totally dark in my room. Recently Kristen downloaded the Halloween theme as a ringtone, and then Joyce called Kristen. I totally thought Michael Myers was gonna pop out of my closet and slash us both with a machetti. It was freaky. We would have both been totally dead, and Michael Myers would be totally gay, because he popped out of my closet. He's not a psychopath, he's just confused and thinks no one will accept his sexuality. Dear Kristen. Change your ringtone. |
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| 02:28pm 05/08/2007 |
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Sorry I don't write as much anymore. I've just been busy.
I spend all my time with Kristen. I've been with her every day for 3 months straight. We've fought about maybe 5 times in that period, and hopefully it will stay that way. I never liked the thought of having someone with me 24/7, but it's actually not so bad. I really like it.
I'm in the process of getting hired permanently by Iron Mountain, so I won't have to worry about being laid off as a temp anymore. I've busted my balls there for the past 5 months being the top guy, just watching temps come and go. I've probably outlasted a good 100 temps by now and I'm still there. So it's about time that I get hired I think.
I haven't been doing anything with music lately. I hope to get back into the swing of things soon. With what? I don't know. My bandmates with the exception of Peter have done a lousy job at staying in touch. Idol tryouts are at the end of this month but they're in fucking Philly this year. I don't know if I want to make the trip. I'm not sure. I feel like if I really try this year I can make it to Hollywood at least. The problem is, is that it's just too fucking far away this year. So I'm stuck between a rock and hard decision. Fuck the rock.
My comedy is going swell. I'm taking August off to write new stuff. I'll be back in September with a slew of new material. Fuckers come to my shows, you fuckers. |
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| 06:45pm 28/06/2007 |
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I think I'm understanding what it's like to be loved. And realistically when I think about it, that's what has been missing from my life for a long time. I was missing the notion that someone actually gave a shit. Like... really gave a shit about me.
I'm in such a better state now. Sometimes you just need that special someone in your life to lick your grundel in order to feel better. |
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| 11:46pm 14/06/2007 |
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Maybe if I'm lucky, certain people will just disintegrate into thin air.
Such an event would make life so much more enjoyable. |
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| 04:11pm 09/06/2007 |
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Having a girlfriend has made me shut myself off from the rest of the world and I don't want that, but no one else has shown enough interest in talking to me or hanging out with me for me to do something about it. |
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| 05:48am 28/05/2007 |
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I don't think Moquin's dead.
I think he's fighting aliens.
I watched a couple things. One was this UFO documentary, and the other was the animated "Tom and Huck's Mississippi Adventure," and put the two together. Toward the end of the movie Huck fakes his own death and watches his own funeral. This reminded me of Moquin's funeral. And then I thought about the documentary I just watched. And I thought about Men In Black and how Will Smith had to give up his life and disappear to fight aliens.
Moquin scored 17th best on the asvab test. And that's #17 throughout the entire history of the United States military. He was also part of an elite squadron. That's why he was in Afghanistan in the first place (as far as we know.) Being one of the best of the best, I'd imagine that the government would have wanted him to participate in more advanced difficult missions. Top secret intergalactic missions. Meaning that, to ensure the secrecy of the war between Earth and some other worldly threat, all of the chosen "starfighters" must give up their lives, identities, and never come in contact with their friends and family until the war is over.
I always found it hard to believe that Moquin died in a helicopter crash. That seems like severe carelessness. Too careless for the US Military. Eh?
I believe the "War In Iraq" is just a distraction from the War with an entirely different planet. I think everything going on in the world is a distraction from the real threat. Even George W Bush is just a public figurehead of just mere distraction. 9/11 wasn't a terrorist attack from the middle east. That was an Earth attack from another planet.
Nuclear Arms were created to fight off the aliens. Not for us to kill each other with.
We have several intergalactic allies that are hanging around guarding Earth to protect us. That's the reason we haven't been blown to smithereens yet.
The reason some of the Universe is targeting us is because we are a very dense source of negative energy. We're ignorant, power hungry devils. They're trying to prevent Earth from some day becoming an intergalactic empire who conquers and enslaves the civilians of other planets. As we better our technology, the easier it will be to travel through space and time. From the perspective of other planets, other stars, we're an infection, and they want to stop us before we spread and devour resources on other planets.
2012 will probably be the year shit goes down causing a worldwide Earth evacuation. The allies that we've enlisted will get all survivors off Earth. They're setting up places for us to stay as we speak.
I just have this weird feeling that Moquin might still be alive out there working behind the scenes. Maybe we'll seem him again some day. |
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| 08:42pm 20/05/2007 |
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Christianity creeps me the fuck out.
I attended Moquin's "memorial mass." It was pretty much a normal Sunday church mass with an MTV style shout out to Moquin part of the way through. I didn't see any one of his friends or fam there aside from Michelle and her mother. You have no idea how hard it was for I, Shawn Malloy, son of the dark lord to be present in a house of worship. Every line that the attendees repeat after the priest in unison just makes my skin crawl. Some people get all creeped out by things like spiders and snakes. Not me. Christian churches give me the willies. I'm not sure if it's because of how evil my soul is, or if it's because the practices of modern Christianity are so far from the customs of the Church Of Malloy that I can't begin to relate.
The stained glass window above the altar of Jesus amongst a herd of sheep I found eerily symbolic of the state of organized religion as we know it. I question if the artist who designed it intentionally embedded the irony that subtly jumps out at someone like me who uses chopsticks to devour a silver platter of horseshit over the course of several eternities rather than funnels a landfills worth of horseshit via intravenous underground railroad from the prologue of an exteneded post natal abortion to the epilogue of a carbon copied sheep flavored autobiography. |
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| 02:27pm 13/05/2007 |
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Recently I learned something about myself.
I fucking hate bitches that don't put out.
Bitches that don't put out need to be stabbed in the fucking cunt. |
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| 02:34pm 06/05/2007 |
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It's not that my life is particularly bad, or I'm constantly miserable.
It's just that I can't find any sort of fulfillment, satisfaction, or joy in anything in my life.
I lost all of my passion for everything I used to love. I hate music. I wish every band playing music nowadays would quit.
It's been well over a year since I've felt alive. Those few days in LA were the only days throughout this whole past year where I actually felt comfortable and at home.
Nothing seems to be improving. My state of mind just becomes worse and worse.
I'm in therapy every other week, but that's not helping.
I just really don't know what else to do. |
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