Shawn Malloy (thpamz2thexay) wrote,
Shawn Malloy
thpamz2thexay

I'm so content that I don't know what to do with myself.

My interest in doing standup has been waning over the past few months.  When my CD recording show turned out to be a disaster I think it completely killed off my desire to try at comedy anymore.  I guess I got good at giving up.  I only have one gig coming up and that's at Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston? on Nov. 11.  It's an All Asian Comedy show.  Lots of jokes about bad drivers and small cocks.

My interest in rocking has resurfaced but I'm kinda getting discouraged again.  I want Coordinates to practice again, but no one cares about it.  I mention it all the time to everyone but no one takes initiative.  Three out of the five of us have access to jamming facilities but none of them are ever like, "we're gonna use this jamspace tonight to practice with CC."  No.  Not at all.  Everyone else has moved on to different projects.  Well.  At least 2 of us.  Not me.

I mean Shotgun was supposed to be picking up speed again, but the wind is gone from those sails yet again.  We had an awesome guitarist for about 3 weeks who put a great spin on our songs.  But he just quit because he didn't have time to be in a third band and work full time, which kinda pissed me off.

This is exactly why I quit music the last time.  I get so frustrated and tired of waiting on other people.

I wanna be in an awesome band again.  Not 8 awesome bands.  That sucked.  But one or 2 would suffice. 
Other than my interests failing me, I'm getting a little fearful of what I'm becoming.  I'm starting to settle down.  It's scary.  I'm 23 now, with a decent job.  Nothing outstanding.  But it pays my never ending car repairs for my piece of shit on wheels, finances my guitar shit, and gives me enough spending cash to buy beer, wings, and pretty things for my girl.  Speaking of which, my relationship with her is outstanding.  Which all in all is great, but is also the root of my transformation.  Most nights we opt not to go out and party.  Instead we stay home, relax and watch movies.  It's the kind of life I've been yearning for, yet it's killing most of my ambition for rock stardom, and fame.

I love the way I live now, but its filling me with anxiety.  I'm afraid of failure, and in my mind, and quite possibly my mind alone, not making it huge would be the most ultimate failure of my life.

I could easily get married and start pumping out babies with Kristen in a few years which would be a happily ever after situation but when I do it would be like I gave up on myself or at least the image of myself that I've bred myself upon.

All I know is that I'm not giving up on either.  My passion for fame and fortune I'm going to hold on to because that's who I am and have always been.  And Kristen is quite possibly the best thing to ever come my way.  So how could one sacrafice one for the other when one could one day potentially have it all?  Maybe I'm thinking unrealistically, but I've never been someone who's set my goals to the most easily achievable.

I lose my passion.  I fail.
I lose Kristen.  I fail.

It's all about balance.  Maybe if I don't get a huge record deal and have my face plastered on Rolling Stone, or Kristen and i create some hermaphrodite midget retard babies while living in Great Brook Valley.  As long as I can have a life that allows me to go out and rock but then come home to hot naked wife pulling a big ass ham out the oven, then I'm winning.

The one thing that I've really leveled up on in my life is my drinking habits.  I only drink hard alcohol on a special occasion.  Now, I only really drink classy beers.  In this day in the year 2007 you couldn't get me to even look at a Miller Highlife or a Steel Reserve.  I don't drink beers to get drunk at all anymore.  I drink for the flavor and for the experience, and to get a deeper connection and understanding for the craft of brewing beer.  My favorite beers now are beers like Unibroue's Les Trois Pistoles, Stone's Ruination IPA, Brouwerij Van Steenberge's Piraat Ale, or Smuttynose's Robust Porter.  That's where I'm at right now.  I taste beers, and write reviews on them on ratebeer.com.  I started out as a Bud funneling party machine in my late teen years.  When I turned 21 I began sampling beers that I never knew existed because I was never able to shop at liquor stores.  I got really into Sam Adams, Saranac, and Killian's and started realizing that Bud, Miller, and Coors were the evil empire of corporate marketing and all of their mainstream products are nothing more then polluted water with a recognizable label, and funny commercials.  But my standards are getting even higher, and my tastes are getting more expensive.  I'll go to a liquor store and pay 15 bucks on a six pack of Imperial stouts or Belgian strong ales, and get as drunk off of them as if I were to chug 20 Budweisers.  Most of the shit I drink now is up around 10% alcohol.  Most mainstream beers are around 3-4%.  The best part is that I don't feel like shit when I drink good beer.  I get a good buzz.  I get into a good mood.  When I drink cheap bullshit beer I either puke, or get really mean and angry.  I get annoyed when I see people drinking Bud, or Coors.  I ask, "how can you drink that and pretend to enjoy it when there's so much good shit out there?"  The sad part is, is that some people do actually enjoy the taste of that swill and will shun and writhe when they take a sip of something good.  I tend to not associate myself with such folk.  I'm becoming an uber beer snob to the point where I really don't even hang out with a lot of people that can't appreciate classy beers.  That was actually more of a realization than it was a choice.  People I talk to regularly are all people who understand and appreciate true brewing.  I believe that my life is enriched by beer and the people that drink it with me.  Now all I have to do is figure out a way to work out all of these carbs I've been consuming.
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