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03:19pm 28/09/2009

You might see this ad on your livejournal page.  I do.  And I don't understand it.  To me a perfect a body isn't transparent.  I don't know if anyone needs to be as skinny as this after model above.  Sure you have no body fat, but you probably couldn't help move a couch upstairs.  The before model looks like a few lbs more than your average woman.  And what's wrong with that?  She's got big hips and probably a big booty, but she's by no means morbidly obese.  If you're that girl, why can't you just drop 20lbs and accept yourself?  Why lose that 20lbs in 6 weeks?  Take your damned time.  Why must you go from one extreme to the other?  There's something called a middle ground that society and the media just isn't cool with anymore.  If you're not a pencil but you're not football field, then you have a perfect figure in my book.  Even if you do measure your waist in centimeters, or miles, you're still a human being, and neither one is ideal, or healthy, but it still doesn't really matter in the scheme of things.

There's another ad floating around here for the dudes that's like "Get ripped in 6 weeks!  Rar!"  They show a fairly porportioned average dude for the before model that looks healthy and has the right amount of muscle mass.  The after model is some jacked up roid freak that looks like he wants to snap into someone like a Slim Jim.  Why must the majority of men have to look like Arnold pre-Governator?  What's wrong with a little gut area.  It makes a better plate for loose cheetos. 

Marketing's standards for what a human being should look like have become out of control.  You don't need to buy that shit to look good.  Just take care of yourself.  Eat a salad at least 3 times a week.  Shower daily.  Brush yo teeth.  And walk places that you could easily drive to.  Drink some water.  That's basically it.

Here I have altered the above ad.  Here's the after model of it:

alteredad.gif alteredad picture by JesusAnus

(6 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

05:45pm 25/09/2009
  It's been hard to focus recently.  All I want to do is watch the news and get more pissed off at the world.  I don't understand what's happening or why something else isn't happening faster.  I guess I'm so angry because I feel like I have no voice.  Sure I can blog the shit out of this site all day long, but not a lot of people are going to see it.  I could start video blogging and youtubing everything but then I'd be like all the other people with webcams and free time.  And all that's happening for those people is other people agreeing with them.

I know I said that, that's what I was hoping for a few days ago, but now I'm hoping for more.  I want power.  As a control freak, I want the ability to destroy, and restructure everything according to my values.  Cuz I got some good fucking ideas!  The problem is that I don't come from rich blood.  I don't have a college education.  I don't have friends in high places.  And I'm not a sleezy enough douchebag to actually become a politician.  I lose!  I am an ordinary citizen, with a somewhat ordinary background, in an ordinary neighborhood.  I have no voice!  What's a letter to a state house rep?  It's nothing.  What's a petition?  Something that I'm not gonna be able to get a bunch of people to sign.  I can't even get the fucking police to get a woman to stop harrassing and sending death threats to me!  (Glad that's over for now.)

Police do nothing for anyone.  You have to kill people to get attention around here.  Even some times, you don't.  In some places ex-cons and their wives can kidnap a young girl and hold her prisoner on their own property for more than 20 years without anyone doing anything about it.  In places like that you can call the cops and tell them that you're hearing suspicious noises coming from the crazy ex-con's home, and no one will do a damn thing.  In those same places, you can not only kidnap a young girl and keep them prisoner, you can even rape them, kill them, and bury them in the backyard.  Cops just don't give a shit.

If you're a cop, 9 times out of 10 you have a massive ego problem.  You like bossing people around.  And you like having a gun at your side because it makes you feel better about the problem that people don't see deep down inside of you.  You're actually the weakest of the weak in this world, so you act out and fuck with other people.  People that are much stronger than you.  Lets say that a person like me and a person like you were equal, but you still treated me the way you do to everyone you encounter, I would tell you to go fuck yourself, and stomp that pig head into some nice warm curb.  In this society though, we give badges to these weak minded, self absorbed, mindtrip slobs and call them heroes.  But the coward inside of them, just doesn't allow for them to take on the dangerous tasks.  Tracking down thieves, murderers, rapists, gang leaders, and other police officers.  That's while I'll never see my lap top again, and I'm always going to have crazy people sending me threats.

I've had it with this goddamned place we call Earth, but I have to go pick up Kristen.

(Just add water!)

Feeling revolutionary.   
03:45pm 23/09/2009
  I think as I mature into adulthood I become more interested in politics.  Or maybe the country that I live in is just going to shit overnight.  I haven't decided which of the two has peaked my interest on current affairs.  I just know that I'm getting pissed off.

I'm not going to claim that I know everything, or even anything.  I'm not going to claim that I am intelligent or informed.  I'm not going to try to convince others to believe in the same ideals that I do.  But what I will do is speak my mind and hope that someone out there in this great big messy world agrees with me on something I have to say.

I'm not going to organize my thoughts here.  I'm just gonna thrown things out there as I think of them, and I apologize in advance if my rants seem chaotic, offensive, or even down right fucking crazy.  I'm not sure where to start here but lets start on my favorite topic.

ABORTIONS.  If you're pro-choice, you're fucking evil.  If you're pro-life, you're fucking evil.  We need to think more extreme, people.  Abortions remaining legal?  Yes.  Should there be a limit?  Yes.  After a woman gets 2, she gets her tubes tied.  We need to promote both facts.  One being that abortion is murder, and the other fact that everyone has the right to do what they want with their bodies.  We need to enforce shame on those who decide to go through with it, and punish them for turning real life human babies into genetic research specimens,  but at the same time we cannot prohibit them from their freedom to pay for their mistakes.  In most scenarios if you need more than 2 abortions in one lifetime, you're not being responsible, and you're avoiding the education that's basically in your face since the day you hit 5th grade.  We fix dogs to prevent breeding more unwanted dogs.  We can fix you too!  I say, abortions stay, but your ability to get one goes after the point of abuse.

I feel so much better after saying that.

Lets talk about the recent ban on flavored cigarettes such as cloves.  I can name way too many reasons why this law is fucked up. 


I don't see why they can only ban certain kinds of cigarettes.  All cigarettes are equally bad.  If they want to save millions of dollars in healthcare, they'll ban all cigarettes.  Kids being lured into smoking addiction because of cigarettes being chocolate, vanilla, clove, and fruity?  That's fucking ridiculous.  The fact is, if you want chocolate, you'll just eat chocolate.  You want something fruity, you'll eat a piece of fucking fruit.  Most people I know didn't start with a goddam clove, they started with a Marlboro or a Camel or a Newport.  People smoke because they think it's cool, or they like the feeling, or someone in their family smoked while they were growing up.  The fact of the matter is that people are susceptible to the power of influence and are at some point in their lives young and stupid.  Most smokers start when they're young, just to quit when they get older.  Flavored cigarettes are basically just novelties for people that want that particular cigarette at a particular time.  I don't smoke.  I've never smoked regularly.  I've never been addicted to smoking, but when someone has a pack of cloves and offers me one, I usually oblige to the gratitude, and I've been smoking cloves on rare occasions since I was 19.  Never to this day have I bought a pack of cigarettes for myself.  Obama doesn't give a shit about the people like me though.  So yeah.  It's easy to sign off on such perverse and nazi like jurisdiction of what we can and can't smoke to the FDA.  Why just cloves and lime cigarettes Mr. President?  Why not Marlboros?  I think I know why.  It's because you fucking smoke Marlboros.  I bet 75% of your cabinet smokes Marlboros.  So let companies like Marlboro own the cigarette monopoly in this country, and destroy all the little guys that are producing the alternative products that you can't even find at a gas station or a grocery store.  Because that's real fucking American.  We love corporate conglomerates, and we love it when they get bigger.  Why just tobacco products?  Why not alcohol?   Isn't alcohol more dangerous than tobacco?  We can buy tobacco products at 18 years old but we can't buy alcohol until 21.  By those age limit laws, one is to assume that alcohol is far more dangerous.  It's 3 years more dangerous.  You need to be 3 more years responsible after taking your first drag to take your first sip.  But what do you see when you walk into the liquore store?  FLAVORS!  Tons of flavors of alcohol!  All kinds of flavors, and fruits, and chocolates!  Wachusett Blueberry beer!  UV Grape Vodka!  Peppermint Schnaps!  Rootbeer Schnaps!  That's right.  Flavored beverages that are the flavor of other flavored beverages.  But no ones in line to sign a piece of fucking paper  to ban all the different flavors of liver cancer now.  No, they want to ban my lung cancer and my throat cancer, and Washington, that is by far your biggest fucking mistake.  Because I don't use my liver to scream at you, and tell you how fucking stupid you all are.  I use my fucking throat and my fucking lungs!  But you couldn't possibly limit your variety of poisons, because you too are all just as big of drunks as I am.  And people need to coat the real taste of alcohol.  They need the sweet sweet candy to cover up the burn and bitterness of the juice that makes them so high.  Lime cigarettes?  Don't smoke em.  Don't need em.  Lets ban em.  Bud Lite Lime?  Yes!   We need the lime!  We need the lime to cover up just how fucking gross the King Of Beers can be once you've sucked out every last ingredient that makes a beer a goddamned beer.  It's just like how all of you need suits to cover up the fact that you're all a bunch of fucking PIGS!  George Orwell is rolling in his grave knowing that his work of fiction has seeped it's way into reality.

So what's the real issue at hand?  The real issue is that there's no one to represent me and my demographic to reject such a stupid fucking law.  I'm not represented!  And to me, this is the same feeling that the colonists had before 1776.  Being governed by idiots from a different hemisphere that had no idea what life was like on the other side.  It's happening all over again.  Who are you to judge me and how I live my life?  If I want to get my daily value's worth of trans fat, it's my right to have it.  If I wanna be 300 lbs heavier than I am, let me be.  I shouldn't have to put money in your pockets If I wanna put Ho-Ho's and KFC in my belly! 

I'm gonna call it quits here.  For now.  I have to stop being a revolutionary for a little while because I have to go pick up my girlfriend from work.

(2 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

02:31am 20/08/2009
mood: stressed
Update for this year.

May 1st.  Moved to Hamilton St.  Unrenovated.  Lived in apartment with no stove, heat, ac, hot water, toilet(for 2 days).  Got robbed halfway through the month.  They stole my $2000 laptop, my flip video camcorder that had some very incriminating and personal footage of kristen and i on it, kristen's $1500 camera, and 2 of her tiffany's necklaces.  Moved out June 1st.  The cunty landlord gave us our deposit back but wouldn't give back a month's rent, so now we have to sue her.  We're asking for $2000 because of all the shit we had to go through.  Missing work to move stuff around for the illegal construction guys, missing work for calling board of health on her, eating out, hotel rooms, etc. etc.

Moved to Bourne St in June.  that's right passed the greendale mall.  life was quiet for 2 months.

friday.  Got my car smashed by another car trying to make a right hand turn from the MIDDLE LANE.  So my car is totalled.

Today.  Got laid off by Iron Mountain.  Partly good because I fucking hated that place and I hope the whole company goes under when they keep making bad business decisions.

But now I'm jobless, carless, and was nearly homeless for about a month.  When does it get better?

On the pro side of things, my dog Mortimer who Kristen and I adopted in March is my best friend when he doesn't eat my underwear.

Also my new album is shaping up to be quite possibly the greatest thing I've ever done musically.  No outside influences.  No one to teach parts to, and crystal clear, razorsharp production.  I've been working on it since January but it still probably won't be ready to hear until next Spring.  Only 7 songs done with about 23 more to go before I chop them in half for the final dozen or so.  Will keep updated on it.

Also on the upside, Kristen got a promotion at her job.  So now my bum ass aspires to do what she's doing, which is WORK FOR A COMPANY THAT APPRECIATES ME.

(6 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

10:41pm 09/01/2009
  I was at the liquor store just now and Tara walked in.  I said hi.  She completely snubbed me and pretended to not see me.  I could care less about that stupid twat, but driving home i felt enraged by that.  The root of my rage is that it is so sad that we cannot exterminate worthless humans.  It's just a common courtesy to say hi to someone you know.  I say hi to everyone.  friend, foe, or otherwise.  It's just something you do regardless of how you feel toward someone.  You acknowledge them.

My other issue that I've refrained from talking about for months is that people are taking hearsay about me and making it their sentiments against me which is completely unfair.  I'm not sure if this is what happened but from what I've heard through the grapevine, it's what is...  Several months after my failed birthday party, Gaucher approached me at the Abbey and apologized for not coming and for being a shitty human being.  I said thanks.  He shook my hand and proceeded to hint at the fact that the reason he or a lot of people didn't come is because they would feel "uncomfortable" around my biological family which ultimately translate to "I'm a racist biggot who hates Asian people but having a token one around that's practically a cracka anyways, is perfectly okay.  Do not exceed maximum dosage."  Very politely I told him that I appreciated him approaching me and apologizing, and I explained to him my take on the situation.  I even nudged him to call me up to talk about it some more if he was sincere.  When Gaucher failed to receive the reciprocation from his apology, he somewhat stormed off.  From what I've heard, not saying it's true, he told people within our circle that he approached me at the bar and I said "Fuck you" or something to him, which is entirely untrue.  I was as polite as I could possibly be to someone who straight up dissed me.  But as word spreads like wildfire amongst peers like words often do, I think there are a mass group of people that resent me for something that didn't happen.

My story in a nutshell is that, I tried to introduce people who i thought were close friends to a few of my cousins, drink some beers, eat some food, listen to music and hang out, really hurt me by saying that they were going to support me  by coming out, and then backed out without even calling because they were too intimidated by being around people of different ethnic origin.  The backlash is that  I disconnected myself from those people out of respect for myself.  One person apologizes, doesn't gets what he wants from it, spreads a horrible lie about what happened and now I'm the recipient of a mass disapproval of people who know nothing about me, know nothing about how I feel, and didn't even take two seconds to call my ass and ask me what the hell was going on.

So just believe whatever quiet, fun, laid back, do nothing wrong John Gaucher says because he is who he is.  And Shawn Malloy is just an asshole who does mean shit to people all the time.  Right???

Well now, I think is a perfect time to say it.  I didn't want to at first, but now I've seen enough to hold a good assessment of how people are.  So here it goes...

mlm FUCK YOU ALL mlm !!!!

That felt good.

(7 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

06:49pm 22/10/2008
  I have a lot I want to say.  I just don't know where to begin or even where to end.  I never feel like I even have time to vent anymore.  I'll make it brief.  My thoughts in a nutshell.

Why can't people just say what they feel, instead of running with their tails between their legs?
Why can't people keep to their word and do what they say they're going to do?
How come you can do a lot for someone and once you ask them to return the favor just once, they can't?
How come no man I used to associate myself with has a set of FUCKING BALLS?
Is a goddamn phonecall too much to ask for?

I've been thinking these same 5 questions over and over for the past 3 months and nobody even has the balls to approach me and give me a genuine straight forward answer.  I need a beer.

(4 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

11:29am 13/07/2008
  I had a "birthday party" last night.  I found out who my real friends were.  It hurts to know the outcome.  People I thought were my best friends... People I've entrusted for years...  Didn't show.  Didn't call.  You know who you are...I'd hope.  I just wanted to let you know that you're all dead to me.

I deserve better people in my life.  I'm a good person that will bend over backwards and be there at the drop of a hat if someone I know has something going on.  I guess people don't feel I deserve that kind of treatment in return.

There were a few people that came through for me and made my birthday fun.  Thanks Tung, Thuy, My, Adam Labbe and company, Brandon and Ashley, Choad and Jen, Crystal and everyone else that actually did come to share a little birthday cheer.  Thanks to everyone that at least sent me a myspace birthday wish.  I don't even know some of y'all, but you're still better friends than people I thought were good friends.

I deleted a bunch of people from my phone.  I quit my band.  The 25th year of my life starts today.  And for me that means cleaning out the old skeletons in my closet.  Skeletons of people that I used to count on.  It's about venturing out into the world yet again and forming new relationships with people.  Better people.  Most importantly its just about coming of age and moving on.  Out with the old and in with the new.  Happy birthday to me.

(12 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

05:26pm 10/07/2008
  ... so seriously no one wants to come to my birthday party?...

well don't all you guys just suck total ass.

(2 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

09:05pm 08/07/2008
  i'm turning two dozen on sunday.  woo.

saturday i'm having the official shawn malloy turns two dozen celebration.  Interested?  Reply, and I will send you details.  Not interested?  Then yer gay.

(Just add water!)

11:29am 25/05/2008
  My doggy Princess passed away today.  I have had her for 8 years.  There's nothing really much to say, except that I'll miss her.

(1 Chia Pet | Just add water!)

11:16pm 23/03/2008
  I don't live at home anymore.  I brought up the fact that I've been socializing with my biological family to my Malloy family during an argument and they said some harsh things.  i said some harsh things back.  They felt like I was abandoning them and I felt like they were abandoning me.  So I moved out.  I actually thought I was being kicked out.  This all happened at the end of January.

Over the past 2 months or so, I've been dealing.  For awhile I stayed with Kristen at one of my new old aunts house with her, her husband, and my two toddleriffic cousins.  During that time I found a three bed room apartment on E. Central st. off of Shrewsbury st. in Worcester.  Things sucked between me and the rest of the Malloys but after a couple weeks, things leveled off, and nobody disowned anybody.  Things are pretty good with both of my families now.

I recently had a housewarming/birthday party for Kristen.  Not a lot of people showed up.  The few that did didn't stay for very long.  I got pissed off and Damien head butted a window that was already cracked.  We ended up bleeding a lot.  Kristen got frustrated because she couldn't calm my ass down, so she punched a couple other cracked windows.  I calmed down as soon as I saw that she was bleeding worse than I was and needed to go to the hospital. 

During my flip out I called my cousin and bitched her out I guess.  For no reason.  I was just being a drunk, angry asshole.  I don't quite remember what I said.  That caused a little rift between me and my real family.  But that's over now too.  We're good.

A couple weeks have gone by since all that bull shikaka.  Currently I'm adjusting to living in my own place with my girlfriend.  Learning how to pay bills and budget my moolah.

I quit Coordinates, because it felt like no one else in a band really cared about the 4 year old project beside me.

My social life is suffering a tad.  I don't really have much faith in any of my friends.  I guess it's something that's been for a long time.  My goal is to make new friends or reconnect with old friends that I haven't spoken to in awhile.   That's an ideal.  It's not necessarily an expectation.  If I'm too much of a bitter old crab to actually make new connections or rekindle the old, then I guess I'm ok.  I still have my families and my wonderful girlfriend that I couldn't shake off the side of my leg even if I had flesh eating bacteria.  Hahaha.  I only wrote that last part because she's sitting right here watching me write this out.

Thats all for me.

(4 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

10:42pm 23/01/2008
  Shit's gone down recently.

I've been reunited with my biological family.  It's been almost 20 years in fact.

It all started at work when I openly discussed where I came from with my co workers.  I mentioned my sister My To during the conversation.  It just so happened that everyone I work with knows her and sees her all the time.  Strangely enough, my co worker Hau Nguyen's uncle is my mother's boyfriend.  He sees my mother all the time.  I didn't really know how to approach the situation.  I didn't know whether to start with my sister, and write her a letter to be passed on by our mutual friends, or if I should have myspaced her.  Or maybe I should have just visited my mother while she was at Hau's house.

I opted to just subtly friend request my sister on myspace.  She denied me.  So I needed to figure out plan B.  During this time Hau nonchalantly mentioned me to his mom, and his mom got on the horn with my mom with the quickness.  A couple hours later I was reunited with my little sister My, my older brother Binh, and my cousin Tung.  A few days later I was reintroduced to my mother.  All she could do upon seeing me was hold on to me while crying, "my son!... my son!"  It was pretty surreal.  Minutes after meeting my mom, and a few of my aunts, all sorts of aunts, uncles, cousins, pets, and in-laws started piling through the door.  Apparently I have one of the biggest families in the Worcester area.  We roll deep.

A couple weeks passed and my fam set up a huge welcome home party for me.  It was a lot of fun.  They all pitched in and bought me a mall gift card with a ton of money on it.  I ate a pepper that was so spicy I cried.  Kevin came down and we jammed out a few Shotgun songs for my family and my mom's close friends/bandmates.  I got to see a little inner family drama.  I guess they were worried that it was going to judge them for it.  But I don't judge.

The next day I visited my father.  Very awkward.  He's still kind of a jackass, and he fights with my brother all the time.  Him and mom aren't on very good terms either.  He has a new family now.  I have a step mom and a 12 year old half sister.  They're two very quiet people.  As far as my dad goes, you can tell that there's something very off about him.  He's not a very popular guy either.  Despite the negatives, and the deeply imprinted negative image I have of him from my childhood, I'm gonna give him a chance to be a father.  So far he's doing a good job.  He's already given me a brand new laptop which was shipped in by his sister in Florida.  Just material bullshit.  Very useful material bullshit.  But its the thought that counts.  He's showing he cares.

The care is the important part.  I didn't realize that I had a family out there that still cared about me, and thought about me, and talked about me, and cried for me every day.  I've lived with a lot of lies, and exaggerations presented by my current family.  I was under the impression this whole time that my real family wanted me dead which is so far from reality, that I look back at the things that I believed and I laugh a little bit.

I've grown up with so much useless hate and resentment.  I blame it all on my current family.   I understand why they took me in and took care of me.  But they didn't have to say things to breed me into a hate filled monster.

I'm not gonna go into how I feel about my current family, because I'm just gonna go on an endless rant that no one needs to hear about.

Since the reunion I've spent a lot of time with them.  We've been slowly catching up.  I've missed a lot in 20 years.

Kristen's been there throughout this whole overwhelming process.  I really appreciate her being the token white chick throughout all of this.  Thanks babe.

What have I learned?  I've learned that my real family is huge.  And that they still love me.  I've learned that I'm really clumsy with chopsticks.  I've learned that my musical talent is genetic.  Everyone on my mom's side of the family sings.  My mother is regarded as one of, if not the best female vocalist for traditional Vietnamese music in the community.  The biggest lesson I've learned is that ASIANS LOVE HEINEKEN!

It's been a crazy ride.

(8 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

11:58pm 07/11/2007
  I just saw Jimmy Eat World in Boston.  Awesome show.  Kristen cried on some songs.  :)  It kinda made me sad that most of the people that went to the show were there to see The Middle, and that's it.  Looking around I didn't see that many people up in our section who knew the songs like I did.  I pretty much belted out the lyrics to every song, but it felt pretty lonely up there.  Maybe all the real JEW fans got the good seats and I'm just a cheap JEW bastard.

Here's the setlist if y'alls interested:


Big Casino
A Praise Chorus
Always Be
Goodbye Sky Harbor
Carry You
For Me, This Is Heaven
Get It Faster
Let It Happen
Bleed American

Your House (alt.)
Hear You Me
The Middle

If you tally em up.  There's 4 songs from Chase, 5 from Futures, 4 from Clarity, 0 from Static, 1 from the SOMST EP, but there's 7 from Bleed American!  I guess they have to play it up to the moderate fans.  :Rolleyes:  Would have loved to see Futures, Just Tonight, Ten, Table For Glasses, and World You Loved.  I should probably give up on ever seeing those songs live.

My highlight was 23 and Kill back to back.  My two favoritest songs by them.  I actually got pretty bent out of shape when they went into Sweetness.  I kinda felt like the show was wrapping up and I totally wanted them to play about 2 hours longer than they did.  I'm not complaining though.  5 star show through and through.

(6 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

05:58pm 27/10/2007
  I'm so content that I don't know what to do with myself.

My interest in doing standup has been waning over the past few months.  When my CD recording show turned out to be a disaster I think it completely killed off my desire to try at comedy anymore.  I guess I got good at giving up.  I only have one gig coming up and that's at Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston? on Nov. 11.  It's an All Asian Comedy show.  Lots of jokes about bad drivers and small cocks.

My interest in rocking has resurfaced but I'm kinda getting discouraged again.  I want Coordinates to practice again, but no one cares about it.  I mention it all the time to everyone but no one takes initiative.  Three out of the five of us have access to jamming facilities but none of them are ever like, "we're gonna use this jamspace tonight to practice with CC."  No.  Not at all.  Everyone else has moved on to different projects.  Well.  At least 2 of us.  Not me.

I mean Shotgun was supposed to be picking up speed again, but the wind is gone from those sails yet again.  We had an awesome guitarist for about 3 weeks who put a great spin on our songs.  But he just quit because he didn't have time to be in a third band and work full time, which kinda pissed me off.

This is exactly why I quit music the last time.  I get so frustrated and tired of waiting on other people.

I wanna be in an awesome band again.  Not 8 awesome bands.  That sucked.  But one or 2 would suffice. 
Other than my interests failing me, I'm getting a little fearful of what I'm becoming.  I'm starting to settle down.  It's scary.  I'm 23 now, with a decent job.  Nothing outstanding.  But it pays my never ending car repairs for my piece of shit on wheels, finances my guitar shit, and gives me enough spending cash to buy beer, wings, and pretty things for my girl.  Speaking of which, my relationship with her is outstanding.  Which all in all is great, but is also the root of my transformation.  Most nights we opt not to go out and party.  Instead we stay home, relax and watch movies.  It's the kind of life I've been yearning for, yet it's killing most of my ambition for rock stardom, and fame.

I love the way I live now, but its filling me with anxiety.  I'm afraid of failure, and in my mind, and quite possibly my mind alone, not making it huge would be the most ultimate failure of my life.

I could easily get married and start pumping out babies with Kristen in a few years which would be a happily ever after situation but when I do it would be like I gave up on myself or at least the image of myself that I've bred myself upon.

All I know is that I'm not giving up on either.  My passion for fame and fortune I'm going to hold on to because that's who I am and have always been.  And Kristen is quite possibly the best thing to ever come my way.  So how could one sacrafice one for the other when one could one day potentially have it all?  Maybe I'm thinking unrealistically, but I've never been someone who's set my goals to the most easily achievable.

I lose my passion.  I fail.
I lose Kristen.  I fail.

It's all about balance.  Maybe if I don't get a huge record deal and have my face plastered on Rolling Stone, or Kristen and i create some hermaphrodite midget retard babies while living in Great Brook Valley.  As long as I can have a life that allows me to go out and rock but then come home to hot naked wife pulling a big ass ham out the oven, then I'm winning.

The one thing that I've really leveled up on in my life is my drinking habits.  I only drink hard alcohol on a special occasion.  Now, I only really drink classy beers.  In this day in the year 2007 you couldn't get me to even look at a Miller Highlife or a Steel Reserve.  I don't drink beers to get drunk at all anymore.  I drink for the flavor and for the experience, and to get a deeper connection and understanding for the craft of brewing beer.  My favorite beers now are beers like Unibroue's Les Trois Pistoles, Stone's Ruination IPA, Brouwerij Van Steenberge's Piraat Ale, or Smuttynose's Robust Porter.  That's where I'm at right now.  I taste beers, and write reviews on them on ratebeer.com.  I started out as a Bud funneling party machine in my late teen years.  When I turned 21 I began sampling beers that I never knew existed because I was never able to shop at liquor stores.  I got really into Sam Adams, Saranac, and Killian's and started realizing that Bud, Miller, and Coors were the evil empire of corporate marketing and all of their mainstream products are nothing more then polluted water with a recognizable label, and funny commercials.  But my standards are getting even higher, and my tastes are getting more expensive.  I'll go to a liquor store and pay 15 bucks on a six pack of Imperial stouts or Belgian strong ales, and get as drunk off of them as if I were to chug 20 Budweisers.  Most of the shit I drink now is up around 10% alcohol.  Most mainstream beers are around 3-4%.  The best part is that I don't feel like shit when I drink good beer.  I get a good buzz.  I get into a good mood.  When I drink cheap bullshit beer I either puke, or get really mean and angry.  I get annoyed when I see people drinking Bud, or Coors.  I ask, "how can you drink that and pretend to enjoy it when there's so much good shit out there?"  The sad part is, is that some people do actually enjoy the taste of that swill and will shun and writhe when they take a sip of something good.  I tend to not associate myself with such folk.  I'm becoming an uber beer snob to the point where I really don't even hang out with a lot of people that can't appreciate classy beers.  That was actually more of a realization than it was a choice.  People I talk to regularly are all people who understand and appreciate true brewing.  I believe that my life is enriched by beer and the people that drink it with me.  Now all I have to do is figure out a way to work out all of these carbs I've been consuming.

(4 Chia Pets | Just add water!)

08:21pm 04/09/2007
  Kristen's moving in with me.  I bought a new amp.  It's a Peavey 6505.  I'm financing it.  It costs $2069.  Might take me a year to pay it off.  I get paid bi-weekly.  It's gay.  All Out War was great on Saturday.  I want to lose weight but I'm afraid.  I just like eating so much.  Food is so good.  I've been listening to the new Eisley CD a lot.  It is good.  My car is still a piece of shit.  But it hasn't broke down on me this week yet, so I'm hopeful that I won't have to make anymore repairs any time soon.  My life is fairly decent.  I have no real complaints.  I only stress over tiny incidents, like people who cut me off on the road or people who won't let me in on the highway in 5 o clock traffic.  Those are the people I have issues with now.  I hope every person who didn't let me merge recently gets dysentery.  And I hope their kids get leukemia.  I'm addicted to Pasta Roni.  Update ajourned.  

(1 Chia Pet | Just add water!)

10:31pm 20/08/2007
  So Kristen and I are doing it right...  It's totally dark in my room.  Recently Kristen downloaded the Halloween theme as a ringtone, and then Joyce called Kristen.  I totally thought Michael Myers was gonna pop out of my closet and slash us both with a machetti.  It was freaky.  We would have both been totally dead, and Michael Myers would be totally gay, because he popped out of my closet.  He's not a psychopath, he's just confused and thinks no one will accept his sexuality.  Dear Kristen.  Change your ringtone.  

(1 Chia Pet | Just add water!)

02:28pm 05/08/2007
  Sorry I don't write as much anymore.  I've just been busy.

I spend all my time with Kristen.  I've been with her every day for 3 months straight.  We've fought about maybe 5 times in that period, and hopefully it will stay that way.  I never liked the thought of having someone with me 24/7, but it's actually not so bad.  I really like it.

I'm in the process of getting hired permanently by Iron Mountain, so I won't have to worry about being laid off as a temp anymore.  I've busted my balls there for the past 5 months being the top guy, just watching temps come and go.  I've probably outlasted a good 100 temps by now and I'm still there.  So it's about time that I get hired I think.

I haven't been doing anything with music lately.  I hope to get back into the swing of things soon.  With what?  I don't know.  My bandmates with the exception of Peter have done a lousy job at staying in touch.  Idol tryouts are at the end of this month but they're in fucking Philly this year.  I don't know if I want to make the trip.  I'm not sure.  I feel like if I really try this year I can make it to Hollywood at least.  The problem is, is that it's just too fucking far away this year.  So I'm stuck between a rock and hard decision.  Fuck the rock.

My comedy is going swell.  I'm taking August off to write new stuff.  I'll be back in September with a slew of new material.  Fuckers come to my shows, you fuckers.

(1 Chia Pet | Just add water!)

06:45pm 28/06/2007
  I think I'm understanding what it's like to be loved.  And realistically when I think about it, that's what has been missing from my life for a long time.  I was missing the notion that someone actually gave a shit.  Like... really gave a shit about me.

I'm in such a better state now.  Sometimes you just need that special someone in your life to lick your grundel in order to feel better.

(Just add water!)

11:46pm 14/06/2007
  Maybe if I'm lucky, certain people will just disintegrate into thin air.

Such an event would make life so much more enjoyable.

(1 Chia Pet | Just add water!)

04:11pm 09/06/2007
  Having a girlfriend has made me shut myself off from the rest of the world and I don't want that, but no one else has shown enough interest in talking to me or hanging out with me for me to do something about it.  

(Just add water!)